Dreams are the closest I can get to the realization of selflessness, and of sunyata. In my waking life I am trapped in the sense of self. What’s more is that life seems to be an exercise in humiliation. I don’t get the appearance I want, I have to take shits, I have to grow old, I have erectile dysfunction, I got raised by low IQ people, I spent most of my years imprisoned sitting on a desk regurgitating information that some dumbass spewed at me, I don’t have any talents but have to witness the talents of others. I can safely conclude that God is a prick really getting off on his power trip. If he still expects love from me then he’s got another thing coming. Of course I’ve got nothing against what I call the Goddess. The Goddess is the being I felt when I used psilocybin. She is not omnipotent because if she were then everything would be perfect. Or maybe I’m overestimating her benevolence. I don’t know anything about her and she did feel robotic and alien. All I know is that I will return to her and that I cried the truest tears I have ever cried in her presence. It could also be that good and evil come from the same mind: “I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.” KJV Bible – Isaiah 45:7 I just like to separate it into God who is the devil and Goddess who is supreme bodhisattva. I am always in gnostic mode, thinking God is evil so I need someone to fall back on, some light to support me. And who better than someone who actually manifested herself to me? I haven’t been thinking about her enough. There was an implied covenant in that experience but I forget all about it and I suffer. I won’t pray to her because I don’t think she’s allowed to help me and because I still feel like an atheist – I just can’t bring myself to pray. Someone told me that when you pray you don’t ask for things, you just stay in silence. But I don’t even meditate anymore. I used to do vipassana and metta meditation.
If I had omnipotence everything would truly be perfect. There would be no suffering and there would be infinite pleasure. How can my heart be more benevolent than that of the universe which created me?
Hark stream-enterer, destroy the seeds for future births.
Let there be homage,
Homage to the Virtuous One.
Conqueror of what must be conquered,
Resplendent with knowledge.
Beyond the eightfold Narakas’
Where one dies a thousand deaths,
Constantly consumed by flame,
The fire-torment of Great Roruva.
There lies Pain, without Intermission.
Beyond the cesspool of Milhaküpa,
The embers of Kukkula,
The trees of the Asipattavana
And the Nad’ River
There lie Those Having Swords for Nails.
Beyond the Animal realm,
Where men are driven into
By passion and delusion,
By anger and arrogance.
There lie nägas of great iddhi-power.
Beyond the realm of ghosts and demigods,
The petas and katapütanas.
Where the wicked are reborn
As deformed kumbhandas’
There lie those reborn as Yama’s rakkhasas.
Suffering is the fruit of evil,
Comfort of meritorious action.
A mixture of a mixture’
One should know that every fruit corresponds to the deeds.
Such is the doctrine of karma.
Such is the way of Man,
Towards the realms of the devas,
And Passion’s release.
Enter the stream,
Embrace true Sight’
Within the nature of ‘reality’,
Towards realities within.
Hark, stream-enterer!
Destroy the seeds for future birth
In the three lower realms.
Now, your mind is made of clear light’
Towards non-return.
Transformed – through mudrä [gesture]
Transformed – through mantra [speech]
Transformed – through samadhi [concentration]
United with the dharmakaya.
Aware of body, aware of feelings’
Aware of mind, aware of dharmas’
Thus is the being purified,
Surmounting sorrow and lamentation.
Pain and grief having disappeared,
Thus is the being transformed’
Transformed – through mudrä [gesture]
Transformed – through mantra [speech]
Transformed – through samadhi [concentration]
United with the dharmakaya.
Towards non-return.
Contemplate the body
As a body.
Ardent, fully aware and mindful
Having put away all grief for the world.
Aware
Of breath, and of posture.
Aware
Internally, externally.
Not clinging to anything in this world,
As this body too shall become Flesh to the Crows.
Aware
Of death and its nature.
Aware
Internally and externally.
Contemplate the body
As a body.
Ardent, fully aware and mindful’
Having put away all grief for the world.
Aware
Of the body’s arising factors.
Aware
Of the body’s vanishing factors.
Aware
Of the body’s arising and vanishing factors.
Impermanent, in sati.
Suffering, in sati.
Independent, in sati.
Not clinging to anything in this world,
As this body too shall become Flesh to the Crows.
You who seek,
Reach for the Perfection of Wisdom.
Emptiness is itself empty,
Yet actions are fruitious.
You who seek,
Accept the non-self, tolerantly.
Firmly convinced of emptiness,
Yet compassionate towards all beings.
Bodhisattva,
Between permanence
And impermanence.
Bodhisattva,
Between self
And non-self.
Such is the way of “nyat”:
Emptiness is itself empty.
Empty.
In the past. In the present. In the future.
Empty.
Bodhisattva,
Between wisdom
And compassion.
Bodhisattva,
Between existence
And non-existence.
Such is the way of “nyat”:
Emptiness is not nothingness.
You who seek,
Fear not the void.
For emptiness is itself empty,
And pure.
You, of little dust in your eyes
Go for refuge to the Buddha.
Go for refuge to the dharma.
Go for refuge to the sangha.
Thus, open the doors to the Deathless,
To ascend the palace of the dharma.
And by craving’s ceasing freed,
Become all transcended a knower of all.
Search,
Above this human breed, engulfed in sorrow.
Search,
Above this word that has become blind.
Search.
Thus, beat the drum of the Deathless,
To set in motion the wheel of the dharma.
And with fires quenched and extinguished,
Become all vanquisher renouncing all.
Go for refuge to the Buddha.
Go for refuge to the dharma.
Go for refuge to the sangha.
Search,
Between perception and non-perception.
Search,
Between Gaya and Enlightenment.
Search.
Go for refuge to the Buddha.
Go for refuge to the dharma.
Go for refuge to the sangha.
You, who seek the Truth
Search.
Shatter the failing husk of flesh
With the diamond of samadhi.
Cleanse the cause of samsara,
Unveil the purity of the dharmadhatu.
For it is not produced,
It never ceases.
It is stainless,
In the beginning, middle and end.
With stainless jewels,
Blazing in the sun of the Buddha’s hand.
He bestows consecration to his foremost children.
From his body, rays of light
Spontaneously appear
And open the doors of those who abide in dark obscuration.
A mind of clear light,
Purified by the fires of Wisdom.
Free from all conceptions,
Praising the purity of the dharmadhatu.
For it is not produced,
It never ceases.
It is virtuous,
In the beginning, middle and end.
And it is not far,
It is not near.
It neither comes nor goes,
Encaged in afflictions, it is seen or not seen.
Through knowing reality, there is liberation.
Always abide in oneself.
Where neither mind nor wind roam,
Where neither sun nor moon enter
There, bring your mind to rest.
Know your mind exactly as it is:
It is like water mixed with water.
Where the sense faculties dissolve,
Where the innate self nature is shattered
There, is the body of the innate.
In this supreme great bliss there is no self or other.
When bound it runs in all directions,
When released, it stays still.
That which shackles the ignorant… liberates the wise.
When one has purified his mind,
When one is free from karma
Then, one enters the city of the conquerors.
Know your body exactly as it is:
It is compassion, and emptiness its consort.
In this supreme great bliss there is no being or non-being.
Now, shattered are the (solid) pillars of the word.
Cut off (are) the many bonds of samsara
At peace, you entered the (lotus) bed of the innate.
Know the nature of the innate exactly as it is:
In it there is no beginning, no middle, no end.
In this supreme great bliss there is neither existence nor non-existence.
Take the three refuges as a ship,
Cross the ocean of existence.
In it, you perceive no waves,
As your mind goes to great bliss
Words cannot grasp its true nature.
As a ship,
Upon a vast Ocean of Light…
Pure Light,
Joyful Light,
The Light of Wisdom.
The multitudes of beings all receive such radiance.
As a ship,
With the vow of Great Compassion…
The Light of Compassion,
It grasps, it illumines,
It protects us… always.
We, an Ocean of beings, in this evil age of five defilements.
We, who were like streams…
We became at one with the Ocean.
We, who were like streams…
We became as one in the Ocean.
As a ship,
Softly carried by the winds of Perfect Virtue…
So that the troubled waves,
The waves of our Evil,
Undergo transformation.
(The darkness of our Ignorance is quickly broken through.)
We, who were like streams…
We became at one with the Ocean.
We, who were like streams…
We became as one in the Ocean.
The ice of self-afflicting blind Passion melts,
And becomes the water of Virtues.
Though the light of the Sun is veiled by clouds and mists,
Beneath there is not dark, but brightness.
Likened to the pure Lotus,
The darkness of our Ignorance is already broken through.
On one occasion Ven. Ananda was staying in Kosambi, at Ghosita’s monastery. There he addressed the monks, “Friends!”
“Yes, friend,” the monks responded.
Ven. Ananda said: “Friends, whoever — monk or nun — declares the attainment of arahantship in my presence, they all do it by means of one or another of four paths. Which four?
“There is the case where a monk has developed insight preceded by tranquillity. As he develops insight preceded by tranquillity, the path is born. He follows that path, develops it, pursues it. As he follows the path, developing it & pursuing it — his fetters are abandoned, his obsessions destroyed.
“Then there is the case where a monk has developed tranquillity preceded by insight. As he develops tranquillity preceded by insight, the path is born. He follows that path, develops it, pursues it. As he follows the path, developing it & pursuing it — his fetters are abandoned, his obsessions destroyed.
“Then there is the case where a monk has developed tranquillity in tandem with insight. As he develops tranquillity in tandem with insight, the path is born. He follows that path, develops it, pursues it. As he follows the path, developing it & pursuing it — his fetters are abandoned, his obsessions destroyed.
“Then there is the case where a monk’s mind has its restlessness concerning the Dhamma [Comm: the corruptions of insight] well under control. There comes a time when his mind grows steady inwardly, settles down, and becomes unified & concentrated. In him the path is born. He follows that path, develops it, pursues it. As he follows the path, developing it & pursuing it — his fetters are abandoned, his obsessions destroyed.
“Whoever — monk or nun — declares the attainment of arahantship in my presence, they all do it by means of one or another of these four paths.”
I feel that I have more tranquility than insight. I’m not fully tranquil as when I close my eyes sometimes memories of the past begin to haunt me incessantly. As far as insight I feel like solipsism+simulation is far more insightful than we’re-all-in-this-together/open individualism. But I still feel that I need more insight. I need to go deeper.
And I feel that I need some kind of drug to become unified and concentrated. I don’t suffer from lack of concentration but I also don’t have the kind of concentration of an arahant. When I practiced meditation a lot, for short amounts of time I was able to attain unification or non-duality. But it was for such a small amount of time relative to the effort put in that it was not worth it.
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
All the love that doesn’t exist. All the emptiness that is not perceived. All the bonds that cannot be formed. All the kisses that only exist in your dreams. All the people that are not real. All the memories that cannot be remembered.
Mysterious Voice: The day you will open the door is both far off and very near.
Is there a limited supply of talent such that I must suffer the defeat of having nothing to be proud of while others wallow in the triumph of their excellence?
Today I give up on working out. I hate doing it and the daily effort is not worth the reward. I will simply never make a video again or take a picture. I will still run though.
I fucking hate my life. I always give up.
Vitrify her 