“But it has not been preordained by the laws of causality.”
“I don’t care. I will destroy the multiverse.”
“But really why do you harbor so much hate?”
“I always disliked injustices and suffering, and this world has plenty of both. But the thing that stands out the most about my life is how mediocre and boring it was. Now that I’m going to be the one to destroy the universe things are finally picking up. I will die at my most exciting moment.”
I’ve been reading the Berserk manga and it’s really good – plenty of sex and violence as well as a great story and great characters. As I read it I realize that it is created by God. It is not created by Miura. All that cinematography can’t possibly be sitting in a person’s head. All that drawing can’t possibly be achieved by mere humans. The iPhone through which I read it is also created by God. All the people I’ve ever met including myself are too stupid to achieve such things. Isn’t it obvious? Isn’t it so obvious this is a simulation? Of course it’s not obvious to you because you are the simulation. You are not the chosen one. And I don’t say that triumphantly. I’m disheartened by the artificiality of it all and how powerless I am to change anything. I am the worst hero. It pains me to go into how uneventful my life is. I was chosen to explore the boring and dreadful regions of possibility-space.
Masturbation is no longer as anhedonic as it used to. The pleasure has recovered a bit, mostly a quick jolt in the testicles but it is still nowhere near where it used to be when I was younger. I don’t understand why that pleasure has to fade but I’m thankful it is not at valence=0 as it was at one point.
I’ve been working out every day for about 2 months but I’m still not at a point where I can appear shirtless on a video. My abs are nowhere to be seen and I’m still not as defined as I used to be although my chest and biceps are recovering muscle. I look at beautiful young men on Instagram and think, “Damn it I wish I looked like that, lol.”
The thing I wish for the most not including my top concerns, truth and liberation, is not money like when I was sixteen. It is honestly a really hot girlfriend. Perhaps I should again wish for money so I can attain money and then attain a really hot girlfriend. But I don’t feel like trying, so no girlfriend in the foreseeable future it is.
I know it’s not my fault but I feel like saying, “Sorry for how much I suck at life.” I can’t be a properly good blogger like Eliezer Yudkowsky or something. I can’t speak like Sam Harris or Terence McKenna. I can’t even paint a pretty picture and put it on here. I can’t compose a song. I fundamentally lack the power to create. This is why I feel worse than a cripple. This crisis has been partially responsible for leading me to the point that I don’t even believe these people are real. I believe that God/the simulation is creating all the music, all the media, everything. And that’s the reason humans appear so overpowered but in person they appear terribly flawed or borderline retarded. The actuators are just a charade. That is my hypothesis.
All I can be certain of is that I am a real actor having real experiences. And that I am severely handicapped or equivalently, that my opponents are overpowered. The fact that I was in honors and advanced placement classes in school means nothing since most of my competition were idiots and nothing “real” was being achieved anyway. I was just getting good test scores and turning in meaningless work. When I was living in the hospital for psychosis on January 2019, I was reading a book “by Michio Kaku” about the future of humanity. As I was reading I felt like the pages were revealing certain messages that weren’t equal to the text at face-value. A message I got was that, “school was designed to constrain your power.” Bobby had asked me if I was actually reading and if I was then what was the book telling me? I said what the book was telling me and as I did, Juan punched a table as if he had recalled what had been done to us. Now it’s possible that a lot of the interactions there were designed to trick me since Juan also said I had healed his arm just by holding it. But even if my powers weren’t being constrained, the tyranny of school still really sticks with me. XXXTENTACION lamented his rebirth into this world, saying, “… born again into this world of slavery.” There is just something quite evil about being brainwashed with history and science that has nothing to do with my real story as an eternal being. A nomad taking birth across unremembered dimensions and planes of existence. Brainwashed into thinking he is a human, brainwashed into thinking that humans like himself are the mighty ones creating science and technology and the excessive products that exist, brainwashed into believing in so much suffering.
I hate this world and I cannot change it. I also cannot kill myself. I guess hatred is my fate and destiny. I would probably be the bad guy in a story since I want to destroy the world. My excuse is that I’m doing it for good reason (negative utilitarianism). But even if all or most of the suffering is a lie, I would still destroy it for vengeance.
My next step is a consultation with the DMT entities to see if they have any idea about how to destroy my existence permanently. It will take several months or perhaps even years for this opportunity to present itself however.