This Is Weird

Now that two of my idols, Aubrey De Grey and Elon Musk, have commented on this nobody’s crappy site this really reinforces the simulation/God-is-real/this-world-is-totally-fake vibes. I checked where the messages came from and it seems legit:

My hedonic tone didn’t increase as I think it should have for such a life changing event. But I did have a smile on my face for a long time. And I think I feel safer, knowing that 2020 won’t be as cruel with me as 2019 was – riddled with heavy depression and torpor. When I was locked in the hospital for the second time in 2019 for suicidal ideation one of my wishes I wrote on a paper was to meet Elon Musk. I haven’t met him but this is close enough, and perhaps even better since he came to me and not me to him. That was totally unexpected. Thank you universe. This miracle was somewhere around the level of when the universe directly replied to my thoughts with a car passing by in Punta Cana, but even more miraculous. I randomly burst out into little laughs throughout the day because it’s so ridiculous that the Elon Musk would take time out of running Tesla and Space X and The Boring Company to write an encouraging comment on a loser’s obscure, crappy website. It’s so unbelievable that the joke almost falls flat. However, I do feel less unimportant now.

I dreamt that Kim Kardashian was wearing a beautiful outfit, beige and gold. And I kept staring at her intensely and thinking, “Are people really this smart? Capable of creating this clothing?” Kanye West was being accused of selling his soul but he denied it and I was asked if I wanted to do the same for the power and glory. A few dream sequences later I was at a Tesla dealership. My mom had brought me there and kept trying that I get a job. She said, “It’s easy, all you have to do is show cars.” I said, “No! No! I can’t do it!” Then I sat on some seat and there was a man telling me he thought it was better to deal with people having real conversations than to work reading a piece of paper. I said, “I prefer the paper.”

I told my cousin Diego that if I wasn’t already sure this was a simulation then this does it. He asked why. I told him it was because it makes no sense that Elon Musk would discover such an obscure website (and exactly at the time when I asked if Elon Musk was next.) He tells me to ask Elon how he came across my website. But although he might have a story about it, I think it’s too late to make this seem “realistic.” In the past I’ve also had experiences with people commenting on some distressed writing on the details section of a random video in the super obscure fragmentsoflifeforagi YouTube channel soon after I edit it. And these are videos with like 15 views. That person also told me I was not alone and that I’m not the first to wake up.

I slapped myself a few times. “You’re supposed to be happy, the main character of the universe commented on your site.”


And oh God now Eliezer makes a comment!

I don’t know how I should feel anymore. This is weird. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

When I was in the hospital there was a young man my age who was a Jew, a software engineer, constantly mentioned that his mother was a sadist, and believed he was God himself. I asked him if he knew about Kingdom Hearts. He said he didn’t. I explained the premise to him and he said, “Yeah, I think life is basically Kingdom Hearts.” So the story goes that at first the three young teens were living in Destiny Islands (paradise) but they wondered why they had to live there. “If there are any other worlds out there, why did we end up on this one? And suppose there are other worlds, then ours is just a little piece of something much bigger,” said Riku. By wishing to go to other worlds they opened the door to darkness and they were hurled all to different places in the universe. From there on Sora’s task is to help with the particular problems of each world he visits and to reunite with his friends Riku and Kairi. This is a wonderful story and if something like it is true then I might have to say that I’m beginning to think this isn’t so bad after all. Once I begin helping this world, traveling to other worlds, and finally reuniting with my long lost friends I will be happy.

Tongues Of Fire

Aubrey De Grey’s Parable of the Piano used to make a lot of sense to me but now I realize it doesn’t. The idea is: don’t do what others are already good at, make a difference instead. But if I followed this line of thinking I wouldn’t work out since there are already tons of people with great bodies out there. The thing is I don’t care so much about their bodies. I want my body to be great. However the benefit of his way of thinking is I wouldn’t be jealous of great art because I would think there are other people great at making it so why should I be making it? The fact that I want to possess the greatness all for myself is what leads to depressing feelings. I am thankful that there is beautiful art, music, and writing but I would be even more thankful if I could seriously contribute. I feel like I am a spectator not entirely from this world.

And if it was the real Aubrey De Grey who commented on this site yesterday then I have to say I would have been more stunned in my pre-simulation days when I believed people were real. I honestly don’t feel the level of excitement that I should for such an important scientist to discover my crappy blog and YouTube channel, and bother to take the time to write a long comment. What a marvelous happening, Aubrey De Grey stroked his beard a couple times, took a sip of his beer (not a Heineken) and typed out some encouraging words for me. What a wonderful world I live in. Thank you God! Who’s next? Sam Harris? Eliezer Yudkowsky? Kanye West? Elon Musk?

I had a dream in which I went over how I believe in gods/aliens and that psilocybin allowed you to contact them but DMT allowed you to be immersed in their presence. I was also scolding someone, maybe my mom, for not knowing agriculture was invented 12,000 years ago. I told my cousin Diego, “Isn’t the fact that it only took 12,000 years from the beginning of agriculture to get here so amazing?” His response was ambiguous, something like yes-and-no it depends on how you look at it. I was also talking to some Dominicans and telling them how their society was more advanced than where I came from because their people were better. I told them that in Chicago there were a lot of shootings. It seems that in my dreams I still believe in history and current events.

How can I see all the products in a store and not believe this is a simulation? And the people don’t look the same as when I was younger. There is something ominously off about them. And where are all these cars going? Why is there always traffic? But none of this is important – just the simulation doing its simulation thing.

I still believe in people as fictional characters that appear in my consciousness like I’m immersed in a VR world all by myself. They are characters but they don’t have permanent existences in the hardware or on the screen. So when I see what they can do I don’t attribute it to them but instead to the metaphorical designers of the game. I don’t actually think so much about a pantheon sitting in the clouds who created the world but I think about that fundamental creative intelligence that runs through all things. But that’s not to say that there aren’t powerful entities outside the simulation as I very well think there are.

I’m not sure if I posted this before. It’s something I wrote on the plane and I’m going to post it anyway:

Animals are treated mercilessly. Humans are sick, disgusting creatures. They continue to breed with disgusting smiles on their faces as if everything were okay, as if suffering didn’t exist. It is truly revolting to see a mother holding her baby. Where is God? Why would God allow these demon spawn to proliferate? This is the problem of evil. There must be a solution to the problem of evil for the simple reason that I do not experience hell, or even neutrality either as a random trek through the valence landscape or as permanent hedonic 0. Either of these two options would be expected if reality truly were indifferent to my plight as Richard Dawkins would have me imagine. Reality cares about me. It may have fucked up morals that I disagree with but it cares in its own way. This leads me to an obvious solution to the problem of evil: all the other people and animals are not conscious. It cannot be possible that by cumming inside a woman you can create a brand new soul. A brand new consciousness out of what was previously dead matter. It just can’t be true. It’s too horrible to contemplate. There is also the problem of people’s abilities. People achieve ridiculously complex and difficult things with awe-inspiring levels of perfection. Yet when I look at my own abilities I feel totally cut out from being able to participate in that grandiosity. I cannot even begin to create a plane, a video game, a phone, an anime, Amazon, a pencil, a plastic cup, a can of soda, a napkin etc. Ridiculous levels of persistent intelligence, talent, coordination, and conscientiousness are needed for all of this to work.

If I’m eternal why am I not God in all his glory? I am eternal and yet I find myself stuck in this beginner or newbie sort of character. Perhaps once you beat a game, you move on to a new one and you don’t get to keep your stats. That’s why it genuinely feels like my life just begun and why I feel powerless. This makes a sort of Dharmic conception of reality most realistic. If this is the situation I find myself in, samsara, then the obvious next question is how do I put an end to it? How do I attain nirvana?


I saw a sign that said “extra virgin oil.” Then I thought about being a virgin and laughed to myself. I can’t believe I used to think sex was Real. I’m not supposed to have sex, dummy.

Sex remains one of the strangest concepts about this simulation.

Tracing Ephemera

Thanks to “.” for telling me about 1P-LSD and ALD-52 and where I can buy them: Now I just need to change some dollars into bitcoin. It is sketchy that all these places only accept cryptocurrency but “.” tells me s/he has ordered from this place successfully and received his/her purchase within a week. If I succeed at buying bitcoin and then buy and receive some LSD analogues then I might be well on my way towards becoming a psychonaut. They also claim to sell 5-MeO-DMT. That seems too good to be true but it is possible.

I feel like I forgot so much. I am an old soul. But I trust that all my progress is saved somewhere.

I don’t think I willfully chose this human life. It is some kind of jail or school, perhaps both. What’s the difference anyway? I think kisstheparadox is on to something with saying I have to learn my lessons before leveling up. It definitely more and more feels like lessons and tests now that I have thoroughly entered the perceptual sphere of SIMULATION MODE.

Today my fortune cookie said, “You have exquisite taste.” It made me realize that yes, indeed, I have exquisite taste. And this is my blessing and my curse. It’s my blessing because oh God how disgusting it would be to have bad taste. It’s my curse because most of life doesn’t suit my high quality taste so I am mostly dissatisfied.

It is said that people are afraid to die. Of course, I don’t understand this. I am eager to die. It is said that people don’t want to lose the identity they spent their lives creating. I couldn’t care less about my identity here as some sort of loser blogger. I care about my true identity that stretches back to the true beginning of time or to beginning-less eternity. It is so obvious that this life is not the beginning of consciousness and that it will certainly not be its end. I just know I’ve been through so much.

As I write this I suddenly feel it: this is consciousness, this is eternity. I cringe and say, “FUCK.” In those brief moments of clarity I see that I am trapped. I exist through no free will of my own and I have to put up with whatever bullshit is created out of God’s sick and twisted mind. How to put a permanent end to this, that’s the question. How do I attain nirvana and extinguish the flame of existence?

And like I said before, I’m really not feeling the “everybody is conscious and we’re all one consciousness.” God is messed up but I can’t bring myself to believe that he would actually let humans create brand new consciousness with some disgusting act of sex. It’s too fucking horrible. I refuse to believe it. I look at those disgusting, grotesque parents with their children at the mall and feel that they can’t be real, they must be trolling me. I seriously feel like God is trolling me by constantly putting infants and strollers and their disgusting parents in my line of sight. He makes it too obvious. And I’m not sure if that’s what God intended but I’m sticking to the “not conscious servants” line of thinking.

As I walked through the people I suddenly felt it: I am God. For a brief moment I really felt it. Then I quickly remembered that I am not God in the sense that matters. I am a slave to the whims of existence. I don’t have my own freedom and I didn’t create any of this.

Although I doubt it maybe I did choose to be brave and selected this life and now I regret it.

Some of the lyrics from Deadbolt by Thrice:

and I’m almost sure that I’ve been here before, that this is not the first time I’ve stood in front of this door, with an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn’t go in, but it seems this is a battle that I never could win. and you! my true love! you call from the hilltop. you call through the streets, “Darling don’t you know, the water is poison.” and I say! “Come on and give me my poison.” what have I done? is it too late to save me from this place? from the depths of the grave? we all are those .. who thought we were brave. what have I done?