I feel alone and sad. I woke up very depressed today despite having a good dream. I feel trapped. I feel like crying but can’t. I feel melancholic about what my life has been like -– the things I’ve seen and those I haven’t, the moods I’ve felt and those I haven’t. My mom depresses me. I perceive her to be seriously stupid and annoying, besides being the host of pure evil for playing her central role in bringing me to this world.
I just walk in circles around this tiny house. The only time I go out is to my aunt’s house to workout. Every day the same thing. It is very disheartening and depressing to have nothing to look forward to in the foreseeable future. I don’t want to work. I’ve only held stupid people jobs in my life. One at Little Caesar’s and one at Clarke Mosquito Control, the other three I quit on either the first or second day. My mom keeps pestering me to get a stupid person job – at Little Caesar’s again or at Walmart. I feel that I’m at the bottom of some Hindu caste system.
I feel there’s an illusion of abundance. All the countries of the world don’t really exist. Only the places I go to exist. I listen to the same songs again and again because all the other millions of songs don’t exist. The fact that I see the same places and listen to the same music makes me feel the state-space of qualia is finite. If it was infinite there would be a lot more novelty. Sometimes I even doubt that languages I don’t understand are complete, coherent memetic architectures.
Randomness is also impossible. I used to try to randomize my life by clicking “random article” on Wikipedia. One time I decided to read from cover to cover any book that came up. On the first click Artificial Intelligence: A Modern Approach came up. And I was obviously interested in A.I. at the time. It was way too coincidental.
When all the internet and music were directly communicating with me I felt like this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Bh1XRH4HrOY
And this another song by Raury I wish were true: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rMJUNyFZysw
From the song: Life is a thing you chose to have in heaven You came here for a reason but you cannot remember it.
When I tried to commit suicide I’m pretty sure I said, “I love you” to the paramedics. I don’t know where that came from. It was the delirium speaking. I felt I had no free will like in a dream. Needless to say I don’t actually feel that way. Humans disgust me. If they are conscious and suffer then they brought it on themselves for partaking in the original sin of reproduction – sucks for the sensitive and compassionate antinatalists of course. I don’t love anyone except maybe my nephews Adrian and Damian.
Another thing I hazily remember was rambling to the paramedics about the vast suffering across the multiverse. In my half-conscious state I remember one of the paramedic’s words. He said, “Nobody cares.” I felt simultaneously relieved and very hurt. Then I went back into unconsciousness.