Tongues Of Fire

Aubrey De Grey’s Parable of the Piano used to make a lot of sense to me but now I realize it doesn’t. The idea is: don’t do what others are already good at, make a difference instead. But if I followed this line of thinking I wouldn’t work out since there are already tons of people with great bodies out there. The thing is I don’t care so much about their bodies. I want my body to be great. However the benefit of his way of thinking is I wouldn’t be jealous of great art because I would think there are other people great at making it so why should I be making it? The fact that I want to possess the greatness all for myself is what leads to depressing feelings. I am thankful that there is beautiful art, music, and writing but I would be even more thankful if I could seriously contribute. I feel like I am a spectator not entirely from this world.

And if it was the real Aubrey De Grey who commented on this site yesterday then I have to say I would have been more stunned in my pre-simulation days when I believed people were real. I honestly don’t feel the level of excitement that I should for such an important scientist to discover my crappy blog and YouTube channel, and bother to take the time to write a long comment. What a marvelous happening, Aubrey De Grey stroked his beard a couple times, took a sip of his beer (not a Heineken) and typed out some encouraging words for me. What a wonderful world I live in. Thank you God! Who’s next? Sam Harris? Eliezer Yudkowsky? Kanye West? Elon Musk?

I had a dream in which I went over how I believe in gods/aliens and that psilocybin allowed you to contact them but DMT allowed you to be immersed in their presence. I was also scolding someone, maybe my mom, for not knowing agriculture was invented 12,000 years ago. I told my cousin Diego, “Isn’t the fact that it only took 12,000 years from the beginning of agriculture to get here so amazing?” His response was ambiguous, something like yes-and-no it depends on how you look at it. I was also talking to some Dominicans and telling them how their society was more advanced than where I came from because their people were better. I told them that in Chicago there were a lot of shootings. It seems that in my dreams I still believe in history and current events.

How can I see all the products in a store and not believe this is a simulation? And the people don’t look the same as when I was younger. There is something ominously off about them. And where are all these cars going? Why is there always traffic? But none of this is important – just the simulation doing its simulation thing.

I still believe in people as fictional characters that appear in my consciousness like I’m immersed in a VR world all by myself. They are characters but they don’t have permanent existences in the hardware or on the screen. So when I see what they can do I don’t attribute it to them but instead to the metaphorical designers of the game. I don’t actually think so much about a pantheon sitting in the clouds who created the world but I think about that fundamental creative intelligence that runs through all things. But that’s not to say that there aren’t powerful entities outside the simulation as I very well think there are.

I’m not sure if I posted this before. It’s something I wrote on the plane and I’m going to post it anyway:

Animals are treated mercilessly. Humans are sick, disgusting creatures. They continue to breed with disgusting smiles on their faces as if everything were okay, as if suffering didn’t exist. It is truly revolting to see a mother holding her baby. Where is God? Why would God allow these demon spawn to proliferate? This is the problem of evil. There must be a solution to the problem of evil for the simple reason that I do not experience hell, or even neutrality either as a random trek through the valence landscape or as permanent hedonic 0. Either of these two options would be expected if reality truly were indifferent to my plight as Richard Dawkins would have me imagine. Reality cares about me. It may have fucked up morals that I disagree with but it cares in its own way. This leads me to an obvious solution to the problem of evil: all the other people and animals are not conscious. It cannot be possible that by cumming inside a woman you can create a brand new soul. A brand new consciousness out of what was previously dead matter. It just can’t be true. It’s too horrible to contemplate. There is also the problem of people’s abilities. People achieve ridiculously complex and difficult things with awe-inspiring levels of perfection. Yet when I look at my own abilities I feel totally cut out from being able to participate in that grandiosity. I cannot even begin to create a plane, a video game, a phone, an anime, Amazon, a pencil, a plastic cup, a can of soda, a napkin etc. Ridiculous levels of persistent intelligence, talent, coordination, and conscientiousness are needed for all of this to work.

If I’m eternal why am I not God in all his glory? I am eternal and yet I find myself stuck in this beginner or newbie sort of character. Perhaps once you beat a game, you move on to a new one and you don’t get to keep your stats. That’s why it genuinely feels like my life just begun and why I feel powerless. This makes a sort of Dharmic conception of reality most realistic. If this is the situation I find myself in, samsara, then the obvious next question is how do I put an end to it? How do I attain nirvana?


I saw a sign that said “extra virgin oil.” Then I thought about being a virgin and laughed to myself. I can’t believe I used to think sex was Real. I’m not supposed to have sex, dummy.

Sex remains one of the strangest concepts about this simulation.

9 thoughts on “Tongues Of Fire

  1. I don’t know you that well. But from reading your posts, the reason you seem to be doubting reality so much is you seem to be traumatized from trying to kill yourself and then being brought back by paramedics, as well as them knowing when you were suicidal and being unsure of how. You also spend all your time writing blog posts and aren’t interacting with ordinary people.

    I find it interesting that you want to destroy the universe. There are 10 quintillion insects on this planet, and if they are all conscious, most of lifespace is stupid fucking insects. I really hope they are not conscious, and I want to exterminate them. It can sound kind of depressing that you want humans to live and have happy lives just to remove the expected suffering in the universe, i don’t think you have considered if you ended the universe there are still other universes that exist. Hopefully we can kill insects if they are conscious but for the mean time be their gods, but i guess it could be fun just flying around doing nothing with no self awareness. I have no idea. I heard they cant feel pain because they are invertebrates. I’m guessing you have watched true detective season 1 since you are antinatalist. But being open individualist more makes me want to fix the world rather than end it, which is partly why i am trans humanist.


    • Yeah when the police randomly stopped me and knew I was suicidal I became 100% certain that I was in a simulation and that people are not what they appeared to be. I want to destroy the multiverse for the simple reason that I am a negative utilitarian. I think it’s more important to prevent suffering than to create joy. Suffering makes existence irredeemable. I no longer believe animals including insects and humans are conscious but this is not a certain belief so I would still destroy the multiverse if I had a chance just in case all that consciousness drowning in duhkha actually exists. And I have not watched True Detective.


  2. I feel like you dismiss Jordan Peterson’s idea of responsibility by framing it as willingly crucifying yourself and suffering and being some kind of masochist.

    I find the hero myth interesting, and isn’t just a trope for movies / stories. It is also part of our drives. The most interesting part of it is the end of the cycle and going back to the return, where you provide value to the tribe, but also unconsciously you are expecting and encouraging other people to do the same and provide a success spiral of meaning/ journeys that people are interested in.

    I also have felt from visualizing myself as everyone that there is a unconscious drive to make all the suffering worth it by reaching an end game and creating trans-humanist utopia/ heaven on earth. But it sounds a bit melodramatic. Consciously, this is just wanting to leave the world a bit better than you found it. I think the end game is to basically create art out of the universe, with life being the highest art form.


  3. I also forgot to mention we seem to have motivations considered “uptime” and some considered “downtime”. Uptime is where we want to do something meaningful such as improving the world or instrumentally meaningful such as studying which will help you do something meaningful later, which i think is related to the metamyth/the other replies on this post. Where downtime can just be playing video games, standard entertainment / relaxation etc. What is interesting is you can also for example make playing video games meaningful by twitch streaming / helping other people in video games.


  4. Hey Alejandro, I just wanted to write some words of encouragement to let you know that you’re not alone. I’ve felt the same way when I was younger, and look at me now. Things will get better, just think positively and keep trying, even if we’re in a simulation. And yes, this is the real Elon Musk.


    • Ha! Easy for you to say, seeing as you are literally the main character of the universe. But really, thanks for this anyway. I will always remember this.


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