Tracing Ephemera

Thanks to “.” for telling me about 1P-LSD and ALD-52 and where I can buy them: chemical-collective.com Now I just need to change some dollars into bitcoin. It is sketchy that all these places only accept cryptocurrency but “.” tells me s/he has ordered from this place successfully and received his/her purchase within a week. If I succeed at buying bitcoin and then buy and receive some LSD analogues then I might be well on my way towards becoming a psychonaut. They also claim to sell 5-MeO-DMT. That seems too good to be true but it is possible.

I feel like I forgot so much. I am an old soul. But I trust that all my progress is saved somewhere.

I don’t think I willfully chose this human life. It is some kind of jail or school, perhaps both. What’s the difference anyway? I think kisstheparadox is on to something with saying I have to learn my lessons before leveling up. It definitely more and more feels like lessons and tests now that I have thoroughly entered the perceptual sphere of SIMULATION MODE.

Today my fortune cookie said, “You have exquisite taste.” It made me realize that yes, indeed, I have exquisite taste. And this is my blessing and my curse. It’s my blessing because oh God how disgusting it would be to have bad taste. It’s my curse because most of life doesn’t suit my high quality taste so I am mostly dissatisfied.

It is said that people are afraid to die. Of course, I don’t understand this. I am eager to die. It is said that people don’t want to lose the identity they spent their lives creating. I couldn’t care less about my identity here as some sort of loser blogger. I care about my true identity that stretches back to the true beginning of time or to beginning-less eternity. It is so obvious that this life is not the beginning of consciousness and that it will certainly not be its end. I just know I’ve been through so much.

As I write this I suddenly feel it: this is consciousness, this is eternity. I cringe and say, “FUCK.” In those brief moments of clarity I see that I am trapped. I exist through no free will of my own and I have to put up with whatever bullshit is created out of God’s sick and twisted mind. How to put a permanent end to this, that’s the question. How do I attain nirvana and extinguish the flame of existence?

And like I said before, I’m really not feeling the “everybody is conscious and we’re all one consciousness.” God is messed up but I can’t bring myself to believe that he would actually let humans create brand new consciousness with some disgusting act of sex. It’s too fucking horrible. I refuse to believe it. I look at those disgusting, grotesque parents with their children at the mall and feel that they can’t be real, they must be trolling me. I seriously feel like God is trolling me by constantly putting infants and strollers and their disgusting parents in my line of sight. He makes it too obvious. And I’m not sure if that’s what God intended but I’m sticking to the “not conscious servants” line of thinking.

As I walked through the people I suddenly felt it: I am God. For a brief moment I really felt it. Then I quickly remembered that I am not God in the sense that matters. I am a slave to the whims of existence. I don’t have my own freedom and I didn’t create any of this.

Although I doubt it maybe I did choose to be brave and selected this life and now I regret it.

Some of the lyrics from Deadbolt by Thrice:

and I’m almost sure that I’ve been here before, that this is not the first time I’ve stood in front of this door, with an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn’t go in, but it seems this is a battle that I never could win. and you! my true love! you call from the hilltop. you call through the streets, “Darling don’t you know, the water is poison.” and I say! “Come on and give me my poison.” what have I done? is it too late to save me from this place? from the depths of the grave? we all are those .. who thought we were brave. what have I done?