First Day In Dominican Republic

On my first day in the Dominican Republic, no let me start with the plane ride. Clearly it was impossible. I cannot and will not believe that people like myself figured this all out. If I was way smarter I wouldn’t doubt that people were like myself. There must be a reason why I’m this dumb, I’m meant to see it a certain way. But anyway, I was going over my argument for why people aren’t conscious and I just felt the flight was ridiculous, it was magical, it was fantastical and yet very tedious and boring. We landed, perfectly of course, and it was still surprising to see the place, I mean what did I expect?, but the fact that there is a perfectly operating airport “anywhere in the world”, Punta Cana being the stand-in for “anywhere in the world,” is surreal as fuck. There were many evil and complex looking jesters in the airport. I immediately thought, “DMT.” I felt like it was a bit of foreplay before my actual DMT experience which seems inevitably fated as it is calling me. As they drove us to the hotel I kept seeing the simulation. It was as if all the people were playing their role like actors. I was thinking about God, and the problem of evil, the horror of people continuing to breed, and the simulation when all of a sudden a car passes by saying “porque asi dios quiso” or “because God wanted it that way.” “But why? Why did he want this out of all possible things? And I get it, I’m not in control. I didn’t create this, now stop rubbing it in my face.I also saw somebody with a jersey that said Lindsey and I had received a comment about her the day before. When I was at the hotel in the buffet, I was sitting and a woman flashes me with the words on her shirt. They said, “You will make it.” Before my workout I felt the need to write:

FUCK GOD I DON’T CARE IF THIS IS WHAT GOD WANTED I DONT WANT IT STOP SENDING ME MESSAGES

Apotheosis Gilded In Vague Chrysanthemums

“Unreal sex of those angels that never got into heaven!”

“I am speaking seriously and sadly; this matter is not a joyful one, because dream joys are sad and contradictory and, for that reason, pleasurable in a particularly mysterious way.”

“Halo-thin Flame”

“Twilight of Vague Flesh”

“To love is merely to grow tired of being alone: it is therefore cowardly and a betrayal of ourselves. (It is vitally important that we should not love.)”

“Don’t get me wrong I love you
But does that mean I have to meet your father?
When we are older you’ll understand
What I meant when I said no
I don’t think life is quite that simple”

This is how I feel about my inability to create Nights Before the Singularity:

“You, who hear me and barely listen, you don’t understand what a tragedy this is! To lose father and mother, to achieve neither glory nor happiness, to have neither a friend nor a lover — all those things are bearable. What cannot be borne is to dream a thing of beauty, but lack the skill to endow it with actions or words.”

“What was it then that in my wretched folly I loved in you, O theft of mine, deed wrought in that dark night when I was sixteen?”

The following is the greatest art I have created, for it was created out of true suffering. These are the pages of a journal and other work I did while locked up in a psychiatric hospital in February 2019 for “acute psychosis.”

The inside of the mask was meant to represent my true inner state. I painted tears of fire and blood swirling people into a pit of despair. But up above in the mind there is a savior pointing to the moon, a symbol of enlightenment in Buddhism. When I finished painting this and explaining it I felt the goddess say something concerned like “You’ve been in this world too long,” and “Now I know you’re the one.”

The outside of the mask is meant to represent what people see me as. I left it blank because I thought people saw me as nobody, someone who doesn’t care and doesn’t matter.

🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥

Lindsey was a beautiful, smart, tan-skinned, green eyed, fit girl who wore a nose ring and had a sexy voice. She was in my Calculus II class of Summer 2018. I never said a single word to her and would even try to avoid looking at her. I became highly obsessed with her after the semester was over, knowing she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever encountered but would never see again.

Conversation With A Friend

🟡The following are my side of an email exchange with a friend. I will leave him anonymous and not show his side of the conversation.🟡

I enjoy these conversations since I am lonely most of the time. There is a sense in which I am glad you like my videos. Any attention feels good. But there is a sense in which the fact that you like my videos is not a good sign for me. I disagree with every last word I said in those videos. My view of the world has changed so much.

I haven’t done much research on atomism and the aether because I find them irrelevant to my main concern which is how to put a permanent end to my suffering. At this point I’m far more interested in what the DMT entities have to say about life than what Wikipedia has to say.

…

Woah. That’s an unimaginably cool mom you have there. Maybe she can indeed help me.

I am doing well today. In the morning I practiced a little bit of Japanese with my aunt. (I’m going to Japan for the summer.) Today my workout includes squats, which is always a pain. I will be eating instant ramen and salmon. I will also be playing Super Smash Bros later.

Maybe you can show me some of your short stories.

…

Interesting topic, curiosity and fear.
I wish I could write fiction the way you can.

And yes, I’m from a northern suburb of Chicago.

…

I like the city of Chicago but the suburb where I live is nothing special. I have not read T.S. Eliot. I’ll check out “The Hollow Men.” I don’t know why anyone would think that I am awesome however. And yes, I’m mainly just interested in DMT right now. Evolution, cosmology, theoretical physics, and the brain no longer interest me. I haven’t just read about someone who thinks they are God, at a psychiatric unit of a hospital I have actually lived with someone who thinks he is God. I think I am God in the sense that this unbroken stream of conscious awareness is all that will ever exist for all eternity. But I don’t think I am God in the sense that I am the creator, or have omnipotence or omniscience. In fact I view myself more as a Lucifer type of character, someone who perhaps lived in paradise but was cast down to hell for whatever reason. I am not convinced you are “real” for the reasons I have detailed in my blog: the problem of evil, people achieve too much, and my personal direct intuition. Maybe you’re not exactly a philosophical zombie but you are certainly different from me, a completely different kind of thing along with everyone else. But yes, it is certainly possible that there are several real characters who serve as spectators and the rest are NPC’s who uphold the simulation and do everything. I generally dislike Christianity although I like the art. The only religion I ever liked was Buddhism. And I’m not familiar with anti-altruism. All I know is that at one point I planned on being a scientist and donating most of my income to effective charities as determined by the Effective Altruism movement. Now that I see this all as a simulation I see no need to “help.”

…

Why do you reject altruism?

I can’t say I have really tried praying. I don’t feel that I have a good relationship with God. And I don’t think that the powerful entities that exist would listen to me. I suspect they’re not in the business of granting wishes. The closest I’ve come to praying was testing out the law of attraction when I was a teen. I would constantly visualize living in luxury, I would also visualize myself having an aesthetically pleasing body and also having a beautiful tan-skinned girlfriend. In the end as a young adult the riches did not manifest, the body did but only for some time, and a beautiful tan skinned girl just like in my dreams appeared in my Calculus II class but I didn’t talk to her and now she’s gone forever. So I would say the law of attraction doesn’t work.

My day has been pretty decent as far as my mediocre life goes. I’m working out but I’ve been stalling a lot. I wonder if when I go to a public gym in Japan if people will get annoyed with me for resting too much. I wasn’t like this before but it’s been that way ever since I lost my appearance and fitness in 2019. And my mom suggested we might be going to the Caribbean for a short vacation so that might be good news. I also discovered a new pornstar that I like so that’s always good. Otherwise my day has been absolutely uneventful. How is your day going? 

…

Sure, I’d like to read your essay and share my thoughts.

I guess I don’t know how to pray then.👿👿👿

The pornstar is Shinaryen.

Virgil’s Wraith

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of this. I’m sorry for everything I ever said on this website. I apologize for what I will write here since it will not be well written and coherent. I’m sorry for everything I ever said in my stupid YouTube videos. I cannot create true art. I am a failure.

I don’t know why I must go on living but I know that I must. Perhaps it’s just to experience God’s creations: Attack On Titan, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Devilman Crybaby, Berserk, Naruto, Ghost In The Shell, Final Fantasy X, Kingdom Hearts, Nier Automata etc. Maybe the art I have consumed is as close to a meaning of life that I will get. I will never actually get to be like those heroes. Or perhaps I stand a chance after death but I know that in this life I will just be a passing spectator, leaving little to no impact.

I don’t know why I workout anymore. I don’t feel like doing it. No one cares about how I look and I don’t believe in people anyway. Yet I still progress by raising the weight as I can and don’t miss a single day. Hopefully I’ll at least get a good body again. I believe that my image reflects my soul. When bad things started happening to me my body changed and reflected that negativity in my life. Now I’m in a process of recovery that may never quite finish. Some of the damage to the appearance of my face and body may never recover. I may never again look as good as in pictures of the past and that’s just something I need to learn to accept. Hopefully someone out there will love me the way I am but I doubt it. And now that I think of it something that can also motivate me to do my workouts is belief in supernatural reward. Maybe the gods/beings outside the simulation reward hardship. Or maybe they don’t. I remember doing push-ups to raise the stock price and it didn’t work.

But actually if I’m being totally honest then I think that my body is not a reflection of my internal state because I was really depressed when I was living in Chicago but I still had a nice enough body to take pictures in the bathroom. What I really think is going on is that the workout and diet mapping to body is nonsensical. The cause for my bad appearance is just the gods punishing me for my vanity. I do the exact same tried and tested workout routine as before but I no longer get much results. My face became very chubby very quickly. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. It really feels like divine punishment far more than some generic scientific explanation. I suspect that the food and drink intake to output is also nonsensical. I remember telling Bobby the schizophrenic, “This doesn’t make any sense,” while I was taking a piss. He said, “I know.”

I went to buy boneless hot wings even though I generally avoid ordering food because it makes me uncomfortable. There was something really trippy and uncanny about the experience. There are so many preposterous things I’m supposed to believe. I’m supposed to believe that chickens were killed, that someone turned the breast into nugget-sized bites, that these find themselves packaged at this particular store, that someone mixed who knows what to make the spicy Korean flavor, that someone figured out how much to charge me in order to maximize profit, that someone designed and built the building, that someone designed the screen and the software to take my order, that all of the workers are real human beings like myself working 8 hours at this same place everyday, that they chose this line of work out of all possible things to be doing, that people had sex so that they could be born, that the news in the background is created by real people and deals with the lives of real politicians who with their mouth and hands run the government. It’s ridiculous.

I don’t know why I exist. I wish that somebody would answer me. I wish that I could truly be a schizophrenic so that I could hear voices and not feel so alone. I wish that some voice would guide me like when the music was speaking to me. Everybody else claims that they don’t know why they exist either. Yet they get on perfectly with their job, doing something productive for civilization without being told what to do by a controlling agent. It is utter bullshit. It doesn’t make sense. How does civilization work so perfectly? If people were like me and it was up to their free will there would be nothing, we would be primitive animals. Once you realize this, you realize there is something fundamentally artificial about mankind, you feel betrayed, they were not like you, it was all a lie. And that’s without even going to the time when random Twitter comments were speaking to me. How can I still think individual people are perfectly “real” like myself?

Samuel, the Jew my age who was a software engineer and believed he was God and whose mother was a sadist, that Samuel, walked up to me and said I was too smart for my own good. That was after I told him I believed I was in a simulation. He was a cartoon character like everyone else in the psychiatric unit.

Science no longer strikes me as fascinating. In fact, now that I know that it’s just provisionally true for the simulation and not ultimately true outside of it, it is quite revolting. I can no longer stand talk of brains, evolution, theoretical physics, and cosmology. These were exactly the subjects that fascinated me the most. Now I am thoroughly disenchanted. Science is not created by people like myself. It is all a simulation. Once I’m done with the game I will more clearly see that I was never a brain and that a single intelligent design permeated nature and “the work of man.”

I have gone through stages that I’ve thoroughly shed. I went through a phase were I was obsessed with soccer and would watch it for hours, even taking notes on formations and how they changed. Now I dislike sports. (Although I still very often dream at night of playing soccer and this is experienced as thrilling and fun.) I went through a phase were I was obsessed with making money and watched business news 24/7. Now I find the idea of business and money extremely disturbing. I don’t understand how everything isn’t just chaos and how everybody finds a productive line of work in the economy. I went through a science and philosophy stage were I would read article after article from end to end on Wikipedia, just devouring so much text from the internet and textbooks, also 24/7. Now scientific or philosophical erudition sound like fictional role playing, just barely different from religion. It all seems plastic and vain to me.

My current stage is one where I’ve read way too much of the DMT subreddit and had my own experiences with “supernatural” entities that I know that this story is going to get wild if I give it enough time. This instant is just so soulless and dull and full of loneliness but it will eventually pass. Yet the stage as a whole is something that I do not think will pass like the others. I have seen that this is a simulation and I can’t unsee it.

Who has the right to judge me? Who has the right to punish me?

My mother said, “It’s okay that you don’t have friends. You have one friend and that’s God.” I said, “God is my worst enemy.” She said, “The devil makes you say that.” I said, “I am the devil.”

I am still confused about whether I am God or not. Throughout my life sometimes the phrase “I am God” has manifested. I will never be anything else. I will always be this, this unbroken stream of conscious awareness. The fact that I am all that will ever be automatically makes me God in some sense. But I am a puny, powerless God so therefore I don’t even deserve such a title. I barely deserve the title of “human being” for that matter. If I was at least beautiful and intelligent I wouldn’t second guess the fact that I’m God. And I hope life is not The Egg.

A common theme in the psychonaut and DMT communities is the idea that we are all one. However my gut reaction is to reject this despite my argument from physicalism in favor of it. I really, really don’t want to be all the disgusting people in the world. The majority of people are not beautiful and don’t seem to have beautiful lives. If open individualism is true then existence is absolutely dreadful and in very, very bad taste. It is comforting to hold my views about the fundamental difference between people and myself. Something tells me that I am at least somewhat special and that I am generally protected from very bad experiences including being reborn as a disgusting human but I may be really wrong about that. I still can’t trust God/fate. I can’t trust that it will all be alright in the end although I really want to. Life has shown that it can be quite cruel so unless I get a sign, I won’t trust this thing. A sign on the level of everyone asking me forgiveness or experiencing immense heavenly beauty and feelings. A sign like that would reassure me and I’d be a step closer towards stopping being so skeptical about the ultimate triumph of good. The signs I have received so far have been obtained in conditions that have been slurred as “drugs” and “psychosis.” It almost feels like a test of faith. Can I hold on to what has been revealed to me or will Satan’s men convince me it was all a “hallucination?”